Book Clubs for Guys

when you ask an AI to generate an image of a book club, you get all women back. possibly one…llama?

A couple newsletters back I spent a little time talking about a book club for singles and how their book selections sucked within the context of attempting to attract SOME straight men.

Which reminded me of something near and dear to my heart: Book clubs for men.

A few years back, there was a rash of news about book clubs for men, and the reaction and tone of those articles and the people who read them were weird. And stupid.

Where stupid and books cross, that’s my beat. So here we go!

Darling Nicky

One of the most-mocked piece of media around men’s book clubs was a little thing Nick Arvin did for PBS, which started like this:

Maybe you are a guy. And maybe you are a guy who like books. Maybe you even like talking with people about books. Maybe you're a guy who could be described as book club-curious?

But maybe, while you're a pretty enlightened guy, you're still a guy's guy. And all the book clubs you know seem to be by and for women. And you're wondering, can you have a book club for men?

And he came up with a series of rules for guy’s guy book clubs:

Rule one, don't call your book club a book club. You're enlightened, but some guys might be a little wary. Make it easier for them by naming your club that reads books something that shows it's for tough guy guys. Call your club, for example, the Literary Domination Society.

Rule two, take turns picking books. Each person gets their turn. Choose mostly novels, because they're easy to have opinions about and to argue over, kind of like quarterbacks.

Rule three, you can only choose books that no one in the club has ever read before. This way, you're all plunging into the unknown together, adventurers in a new land.

Rule four, everyone has to read the book. If someone fails to read the book, it's OK to mock them mercilessly. Is this or is this not a Literary Domination Society?

Rule five, after discussing the book, everyone rates the book on a scale of one to 10. This forces everyone to formulate an opinion, which you can then argue about, which is fun. Think mixed martial arts, but less painful.

Rule six, keep records. Track not only how each book is rated, but also how good each person is at picking books. This makes it competitive. It's like fantasy football, but books.

Last rule, keep doing this, meeting every month or two. Keep meeting for years and years. Have incredible conversations. Share things you have never shared with anyone else.

Nick was mocked for making these rules, but I think what he was really being mocked for was something else.

FOR WOMEN!?

I think the first thing that probably turned a lot of folks against Nick was this line:

And all the book clubs you know seem to be by and for women.

I think a lot of us focused on the wrong aspect of this statement with a lot of, Well, what’s wrong with women having book clubs?

Nothing is wrong with book clubs by and for women.

It’s the “all” that’s the problem. And, to a lesser extent, the “and.”

It is NOT easy to find a book club run by a man. Especially if you don’t live in a major city with some kind of literary scene.

I think Nick Arvin knows this. Born in North Carolina, raised in Michigan, residing in Denver, I think Nick probably knows it’s not easy to find a men’s book club.

I think WE ALL know this, as evidenced by the short burst of articles that were like, “MEN have book clubs?” More on this coming right up…

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with book clubs often being by and for women, and I think the very idea of mocking Nick Arvin for suggesting that NOT ALL book clubs should be by and for women kind of makes the point: people who dominate a space want to remain in control of that space.

But in this case, I think that’s terribly misguided.

Let’s look at another article and some pushback, and we’ll circle back to some more points on this.

New York TIMES!?

The New York Times ran an article titled “Men Have Book Clubs, Too,” and it should be noted this was written by a Jennifer Miller.

The article profiled a few manly man book clubs, including the Man Book Club, which has as a cardinal rule that they don’t read chick lit or books by or about women.

There’s also the International Ultra Manly Book Club, which had pictures of Chuck Norris and The Rock on its website at the time the article was written.

And on the club’s About Us section, their vision:

…one day we could step out of the shadow of our mothers’ book clubs and proclaim that yes, we too, are intellectuals.

This is a book club that uses hand grenades to rate books instead of stars.

The article itself was overall friendly, to Jennifer Miller’s credit, and I don’t have any objections. I think the worst thing I could say about it is that it seemed like Jennifer was parading these book clubs as oddities, but hey, she’s not wrong.

The vibe I got from the online reaction was…different.

There was a lot of mockery about the overly masculine stuff, like the hand grenade system. There was a lot of outcry about not reading books by or about women. There was a fair number of folks who seemed to feel very attacked by this whole thing.

The Sneering Internet

Super Manly Book Clubs Are the Latest in Fragile Masculinity

Marin's Men Only 'Man Book Club' Sounds As Awful As You'd Expect

No Girls Allowed: Book Clubs for Guys

Oh Good, Now Men Are Trying to Ruin Book Clubs

Lots of stuff like this followed, and please allow me to do a roundup of the typical questions or assertions:

The first criterion for this MANLY BOOK CLUB is nothing by or about women? I guess stories by and about men don't get enough attention, so good thing these guys are here.

It’s cute that these guys, explicitly, don’t take recommendations from their mothers, because, mothers, amiright? Everyone knows once you carry a baby to term you become a brainless bag of hormones which suck the intellect right out of a man.

…it seems the Man Book Club, as it is called, was founded nine years ago by 53-year-old Andrew McCullough partially in response to the jealousy he experienced at seeing his wife's book club. If they wouldn't let him in, he'd form his own book club! One that didn't let women in!

Not Reading By Or About Women

I think the hardest criticisms were around the fact that these book clubs often don’t read books by or about women.

A lot of folks making this criticism are operating on old information about the world of work, and especially the world of books. Because the reality is that women dominate publishing as an industry, more than half of books published by major publishers are by women, and women who write books sell more copies than men who write books.

Men dominated the literary world for a long time, but that’s over.

But I think focusing on the publishing industry is where a lot of us misunderstand the relationship between men and books: Industry is one thing, readership is another.

Men’s book clubs do not necessarily see themselves as part of the literary world. They are not setting industry standards, they don’t work in publishing, they probably don’t spend a shitload of time reading ABOUT books online.

And, truthfully, they are not part of the literary world. They are on the outside, much the way a group of women filmmakers would be on the outside of the mainstream film industry (hey, not saying it’s right, just saying it is).

I would venture that men’s book clubs have relationships with books that are closer to the relationships most of us have with music. We listen to music, but we don’t really see ourselves as “industry” people. We have favorite artists, but we don’t follow contract negotiations or music production. We might not pay much attention to the bulk of artists we listen to and have very little idea what their personal lives or politics are like.

Is There a Difference Between Being Pro-Man and Anti-Woman?

This is a dangerous road to go down, but I’m going to say that IN THIS VERY SPECIFIC CONTEXT, yes, there’s a difference, and there’s a margin within which these book clubs can exist.

Not taking recommendations from your mom doesn’t mean you’re anti-woman. It’s a shortcut, a way to cut out a certain kind of books from your reading list. It’s a very simple way to explain the sorts of books these book clubs do and don’t read.

Of course, this means the statement relies on stereotypes. I know there are plenty of moms out there who read dope-ass books.

But, again, this is the minority group within this specific sphere, not the group in power, and using this Mom Rule to make it clear they won’t be reading Crimson Petal and the White is a little coarse, perhaps, but it’s not causing anyone any real harm. It’s not the same as a hiring team for a business saying they don’t hire “mom types,” it’s not the same as a dating app forbidding “mom types” from creating profiles, it’s a small group of men attempting to outline their aesthetic preference for their personal reading choices.

Why Can’t They Have Fun With Women Around?

Running a men-only book club doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with a woman around.

Look, I think it’s very healthy to do things with your spouse or partner, and it’s also very healthy to do some things withOUT your spouse or partner.

You have to remember, being a part of a book club is not the entirety of these mens’ identities any more than being in a book club is the entirety of YOUR identity.

Is This Toxic or Fragile Masculinity?

I think one of the most common volleys against men’s book clubs was that they were toxic or fragile or some other form of bad masculinity.

Have you ever heard something called “Acceptable” Masculinity? “Positive” Masculinity? Do terms for positive forms of masculinity exist?

Do positive forms of masculinity exist?

I say they absolutely do.

Look, these book clubs are, at worst, harmless, and if you wanted to use the label “Silly” masculinity, I think that’d be fine. I genuinely think that the people in these book clubs understand that rating books on a 5-hand-grenade system is a silly thing to do. I think they understand that it’s over-the-top, and that’s kind of the point.

I’m going to briefly stereotype: I think that the people who are strongly opposed to these book clubs do not understand a mindset that’s fairly common among men, a mindset that doesn’t take everything so goddamn seriously all the time.

I think what bothered me about the assertions of different negative masculinities being the driver of men’s book clubs is that there were ALSO lots of examples brought forth of “positive” male book clubs. Take a look at a few other headlines and see if you can spot a pattern:

Tough Guy Book Club helping men connect, make new friends across Australia

Can reading romance novels help men struggling to talk about intimacy?

Guys Book Club Gives Men An Opportunity For Friendship And Reading

Do you hear what I hear?

Men’s book clubs are a-okay when they are about men connecting to each other and their feelings. When they are a deeper discussion about the issues men face and “confront” things like toxic masculinity.

To put this another way: Men’s book clubs are acceptable when they behave like a normal book club, “normal” being a book club by and for women.

When it’s goofy, when it’s competitive, when it’s tilted towards books that men find intriguing, it’s wrong.

And that’s something I find very troubling. We are CONSTANTLY telling men to read more, CONSTANTLY looking for ways to get more men involved in books and reading.

Then, when some of them do, we say, “Not like that!”

Should You Start a Men’s Book Club?

I would say that you should never be romantically involved with a man that you think you can change. That road leads only to misery, maybe on your part, maybe on his, but probably both of you.

Likewise: Do not start a men’s book club in order to change men.

If you start a men’s book club with the plan to “ease them into” reading The Handmaid’s Tale, just don’t do it.

If you start a men’s book club with the feeling that men should read more fiction because it will make them more empathetic, just don’t do it (BTW, I wrote a long column that started off debunking the bad science behind this concept, it’s worth a read).

If you start a men’s book club because you think men should be more in touch with their feelings, just don’t do it.

Just don’t do it if the goal is something other than getting guys together to have a good time around books.

For Libraries: Should I, a Librarian, Start a Men’s Book Club?

No, because I’m assuming you’re not a man. Statistically, it’s pretty unlikely.

Sorry, I know that’s harsh, but…look, if you don’t have a man on staff who can run a men’s book club, not ONE man, I think we’ve identified an issue that needs to be addressed first.

Tips for Men’s Book Clubs

I’m going to give MY tips on book clubs for men. Mock me if you will, be upset because women can do these things, too (hey, nobody said they can’t!).

And, of course, these will get into “men be like this, women like this” territory. But I’m not going there, I was placed there by this topic. “Men don’t do book clubs, women do.” If we believe that provable fact, then we can buy into some other generalizations.

Don’t meet at someone’s house: Meeting at someone’s house requires you to clean up, and that makes the whole thing more of a hassle. And it can feel like putting on airs, like you want people to think your house is always this tidy. Plus, some guys don’t have a home that’s really conducive to meetings like this. Some of us don’t own 6 or more chairs… Meet at a bar. Do a tour of dive bars. Meet at a bowling alley and get some fries. Meet at a Wendy’s.

Designate a clear leader: This is something I learned from a writing workshop led by Chuck Palahniuk, and it applies to book clubs as well: Men, in writing workshops, prefer that there’s a leader, a clear head of the affair, where women tend to be more comfortable in a looser situation. On that note…

Create some structure: Maybe you have a normal 5 questions to ask about the book. Maybe you do a timed thing and each meeting ends abruptly at 60 minutes. Maybe you take the very first part of the book club to go around and just check in with everyone, see if anyone’s got something big on their mind or whatever. Men also tend to be more comfortable if the activity has some structure, some rules, and some understanding of what to expect when they arrive.

Make each meeting fun and unique: One men’s book club read a book that involved horse racing, so they had their meeting at the track. YES! This is how book club meetings should work. If you make each meeting unique, in a different spot, you bring something weird to eat each time, you bring an odd beverage, it will give everyone a reason to attend. Nobody wants to miss the book club where you also have a pinball tournament.

Make it silly: This is a book club that should not take itself too seriously.

Book Selection: Follow a list or set of some kind: In a book club, feelings can go sour if someone picks a book that everyone else hates. If you follow a list or get a personalized recommendation set from your library or what have you, you’ll have a bunch of books to read, and everyone will be free to say what they want.

Book Selection: Keep it short: I’m a big believer in keeping it pretty short for a monthly book club. Most folks ain’t reading 400+ pages per month. I really think low 200s is the right number of pages. There are tons of great novellas and shorter books out there, go get ‘em. And keep it in mind that “length” can also be about how challenging something is to read. A book written in plain language can be longer but still be a shorter read. Oh, AND, reading shorter books for book club gives members the option to do other reading on their own, they’ll still have time to pick their own books.

Book Selection: Bad can be fun: I like doing a book club where you read a REALLY bad book, probably from the Kindle store. I had a book club do Agent Cold Beer. It’s 11 pages, it’s terrible, and it’s SO MUCH FUN to talk about. Sometimes, a decent-to-good book can be a good reading experience, but it doesn’t make for a memorable book club.